I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
