I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
