I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
