My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
