so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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