i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
