so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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