I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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