you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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