and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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