Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
