my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
