I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
