wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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