I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
