im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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