just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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