All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
