Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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