Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
