a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
