You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
