I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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