His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
