I puked a lego.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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