You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
