Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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