So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
