i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
