A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
