I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
