Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
