That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
