Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
