apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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