Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
