I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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