Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
being pregnant is like rehab
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
