Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
