Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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