Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
