this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
