My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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