half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
A bitchslap is in order.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
