If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
