the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
