Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
