I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
