I should be sponsored by Trojan
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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