i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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