walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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