my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
